wondering if just chatting where i really belong is cheating

[mrsalone]

Im in very unhappy marriage. I just discovered a paper I printed out a while ago while my husband and I were once again fighting over our normal fight. I looked at the bottom of the page I printed out and caught a glimpse of the date.......june of 2008, I remember this same fight on fathers day of 2007, we were married in march of 2007. I just realized that we've been fighting over the ame thing for the whole of our marriage.

This means I've been begging for S-- and he's been getting off on skinny girl ---- for what? Almost 4 years now. I love ----, I always tell him im willing and able to do whatever he wants, still nothing. He says he loves me. Everytime we fight over this it gets worse and worse. This time I got out a suitcase and for the first time he showed a concern by punching a whole in my laundry door. (This was a first- he is never violent) I kind of liked it that I was hurting him, is that wrong??

I have been so alone, neglected and hurt for so long, and now, im here. Is this cheating? Ireally don't know what I want, I suppose I wanted to know what it was like for someone to show me some love or attention even though I am not thin. I feell pretty worthless. I've gone through this all of my life. Every man I've dated, even long term relationships I can count 4 that ended and they ended up cheating on me with you guessed it, skinny girls, or we ended amicably and the next spring they were getting hitched to skinny minnie. C'mon, am I really that bad?

After they cheated, I was done, I never allowed myself to continue to be hurt by the same person, no matter how much of an attempt they made to reconnect with me. The thing I don't understand is, why did my husband go to the length that he did to GET me. Then after he got me it was great, then it was ok, then it was dull, now its downright sad.

I know that all relationships aren't supposed to be bubbles and puppies and freakin smiles and playing footsie all day long, but geez, can a little love last a while longer for a chubby girl here? I've gone to a counselor because I thought it was me! He's not made one attempt to solve his issues, he says, im not giving him any, so that's why he does it. Well, when your wifes complaint is that she's not getting any, and she wants you every single night and is willing to do unspeakable things and open about all of it, how can the husband have the audacity to turn it around on me and use the same excuse??? So confusing and hurtful. Is he trying to cover up his own guilt by trying t make me seem like the bad guy?

Well, my little girl wants to read a book, I gotta go. Whew I feel better already just getting some of that out. Sorry its so long winded. I have lots more to say, but no one to say it to. I really need someone to talk to I think. Anyways gotta jet. Thanks for reading.

Sincerely, Mrs. Alone